Sunday, May 6, 2007

LET'S PLAY "TEN QUESTIONS"

Ten Questions posed by the Recusant Cricket Club, directed to folk-pop-rock-hippie-soft and cuddly-warm and fuzzy music groups, followed by answers given by Dad29 and yours truly:

1. Why, when many churches have perfectly adequate choir lofts, do you have to stand in full view in front of/in the sanctuary?
Dad29: (take your choice) A: Because the Liturgeist said so. B: Because we cannot imagine leading from the rear, contrary to the experience of actual musicians over hundreds of years. C) These are really concerts with a Mass in the background.
BMP: Because we're so cute that we need to be looked at and adored.

2. Why should a ‘folk’ group have a sound system roughly the size of a Rolling Stones tour ca. 1976?
Dad29: We have no understanding of acoustics, and even less of taste.
BMP: Because Mass should be as big as Woodstock.

3. The GIRM provides for periods of silence in Mass. Have you read this?
Dad29: What's a GIRM? And besides, don't you know why Muzak was invented? (Hint: It was NOT to enhance intellectual nor spiritual faculties.)
BMP: Because Music in Catholic Worship gives us everything we need. Besides, weren't rules meant to be broken?

4. Why are folk groups nearly always ‘led’ by a woman - not very inclusive is it? (and if you are so keen on actuosa particpatio why is everything pitched for castrati?)
Dad29: We don't care that you can't sing this stuff. We can't, either, or haven't you noticed? See also #1 above.
BMP: I've seen my share of guys running folk groups (not that it's any better). As for pitch? Hey, it's our gig, man!

5. Why do folk groups dress for a midweek trip to the pub rather than an encounter with the Lord God Almighty?
Dad29: You mean Fuzzy Wuzzy Jesus? We suppose you actually go to Confession, too!
BMP: Because Sunday Mass is supposed to be a big tailgate party with Jesus, Our Buddy.

6. Why does every intro start “Dum-dum-dum-dum-chinga-dum-chinga-dum-chinga….”?
Dad29: Ignorant slut. Some of our stuff starts "Chinga Chinga dum dum dum Chinga."
BMP: Over here it's "jing jing-a-jing jing, jing jing-jing a-jing".

7. Is there no folk setting for Faith of our Fathers or Sweet Sacrament Divine? (It’s always Eagle’s Wings and the like)
Dad29: No.
BMP: Nope. Too sacred.

8. Given that proper folk artists like Kate Rusby produce music which is by turns melodic, plaintive or joyous, how come most folk groups sound like The Wurzels?
Dad29: This is WORSHIP-folk, not real-folk. Stupid question.
BMP: Yeah, Worship-folk's SUPPOSED to sound bad.

9. Do you really have to start loud conversations immediately after Mass in/in front of the Sanctuary as you dismantle your equipment and as other people are making their thanksgiving after Mass?
Dad29: That's not "conversation." That's our planning and rehearsal for next week. And what are you giving thanks for, anyway?
BMP: Wrong, Dad! It's us telling each other how great we sounded, and how I baffled Jimmy with those bar chords.

10. How do I get rid of you?
Dad29: Find another pastor--preferably one who actually knows that Church history began before 1965. (You might also have to find a new Bishop.) In the meantime, shut up and take it.
BMP: Until a real pastor comes to our church, you're kinda screwed!

Peace,
BMP

7 comments:

Jeff Miller said...

1. Because they don't realize that unlike children choirs should be heard and not seen.
2. Because loud as hell he appropriate for non-heavenly music.
3. GIRM. We don't need no stinkin' GIRM.
4. Most of the church folk groups I have seen have been led by aging hippie men.
5. To make you feel at home they dress like they are at home. Besides dressing up isn't in the folk music lexicon.
6. Because any beat that goes with a tambourine is fine.
7. Only when retranslated to Faith of our Mothers.
8. To remake St. Augustine. "To sing is to do penance twice."
9. Hey the gig for God is over whattaya mean you wanna pray?
10. Exorcism.

Dad29 said...

The GIRM provides for periods of silence in Mass. Have you read this?

...takes a drag on a funny looking cigarette and says...

"Way cool!! Next week, Sounds of Silence, gang!"

Dad29 said...

Uhhhnnnn...Jeff...

You meant that the LAITY should "do penance twice" b/c of the singing?

Brian Michael Page said...

From Jeff:
7. Only when retranslated to Faith of our Mothers
I knew a "student parish" (now closed) that was in close proximity to Northeastern and Berklee (I was at the latter) - back in the early 80's, where the liturgeists who did the homemade worship aids even neutered "mothers". That third line in "Now thank we all our God" went "Who from our PARENTS' arms..." (YUK!)

from Dad29:
"Way cool!! Next week, Sounds of Silence, gang!"
ROFLMFAO!

BMP

Al said...

In 1 of life's little ironies, I didn't realize how relevant this post on Dad29 would be when I 1st read it. Either that or how prophetic Dad29 was in his timing.

I walked into Church Sun morning in time to see our liturgical director & the music group setting up the drum set for their performance.

The even sadder part is that people afterwords were saying that we had a great liturgy because of the music. I had to bite my tongue to keep from screaming. (It goes without saying that what they thought was a great liturgy was actually a great show & that they were worshiping at the altar of the music ministry not worshipping God. OOPS!, I forgot, that isn't teh purpose of modern liturgy is it? To worship God?)

We have a stained glass window with an eye (symbolizing God the Father) crying. I swear that I could sense God saying that 1 day that window would cry real tears to show how the actions allowing blasphemies & heresies are hurting God.

Love all the additional comments that everyone has added. Jeff, like I said on Dad29's comments the exorcism will only work under 2 conditions, the Pope does it & he replaces the Bishop with 1 like Bruskewitz or Finn.

PBXVI said...

hah! I liked this!

Greg the Beachcomber said...

Crunchy granola folk singers? Ha! That's nuthin'.

When I was in Maui, the church in Kihei had a special musicians' box up front complete with slack key guitarists and ukulele players.

The choir leader, in her bright floral aloha dress and lei, enthusiastically exhorted the faithful to warm up with the musicians before Mass, walking the aisles waving her arms.

The musicians were quite good, and we were treated to five or six teenage girls doing the hula (spiritual dance with sacred gesture) after communion and before the prayers of thanksgiving.

What a show! It was so good I brought my wife, a non-Catholic, the next Sunday and she really enjoyed it. Waaay better than a luau.

If only I could've found a place to go to Mass...