Ten Questions posed by the Recusant Cricket Club, directed to folk-pop-rock-hippie-soft and cuddly-warm and fuzzy music groups, followed by answers given by Dad29 and yours truly:
1. Why, when many churches have perfectly adequate choir lofts, do you have to stand in full view in front of/in the sanctuary?
Dad29: (take your choice) A: Because the Liturgeist said so. B: Because we cannot imagine leading from the rear, contrary to the experience of actual musicians over hundreds of years. C) These are really concerts with a Mass in the background.
BMP: Because we're so cute that we need to be looked at and adored.
2. Why should a ‘folk’ group have a sound system roughly the size of a Rolling Stones tour ca. 1976?
Dad29: We have no understanding of acoustics, and even less of taste.
BMP: Because Mass should be as big as Woodstock.
3. The GIRM provides for periods of silence in Mass. Have you read this?
Dad29: What's a GIRM? And besides, don't you know why Muzak was invented? (Hint: It was NOT to enhance intellectual nor spiritual faculties.)
BMP: Because Music in Catholic Worship gives us everything we need. Besides, weren't rules meant to be broken?
4. Why are folk groups nearly always ‘led’ by a woman - not very inclusive is it? (and if you are so keen on actuosa particpatio why is everything pitched for castrati?)
Dad29: We don't care that you can't sing this stuff. We can't, either, or haven't you noticed? See also #1 above.
BMP: I've seen my share of guys running folk groups (not that it's any better). As for pitch? Hey, it's our gig, man!
5. Why do folk groups dress for a midweek trip to the pub rather than an encounter with the Lord God Almighty?
Dad29: You mean Fuzzy Wuzzy Jesus? We suppose you actually go to Confession, too!
BMP: Because Sunday Mass is supposed to be a big tailgate party with Jesus, Our Buddy.
6. Why does every intro start “Dum-dum-dum-dum-chinga-dum-chinga-dum-chinga….”?
Dad29: Ignorant slut. Some of our stuff starts "Chinga Chinga dum dum dum Chinga."
BMP: Over here it's "jing jing-a-jing jing, jing jing-jing a-jing".
7. Is there no folk setting for Faith of our Fathers or Sweet Sacrament Divine? (It’s always Eagle’s Wings and the like)
BMP: Nope. Too sacred.
8. Given that proper folk artists like Kate Rusby produce music which is by turns melodic, plaintive or joyous, how come most folk groups sound like The Wurzels?
Dad29: This is WORSHIP-folk, not real-folk. Stupid question.
BMP: Yeah, Worship-folk's SUPPOSED to sound bad.
9. Do you really have to start loud conversations immediately after Mass in/in front of the Sanctuary as you dismantle your equipment and as other people are making their thanksgiving after Mass?
Dad29: That's not "conversation." That's our planning and rehearsal for next week. And what are you giving thanks for, anyway?
BMP: Wrong, Dad! It's us telling each other how great we sounded, and how I baffled Jimmy with those bar chords.
10. How do I get rid of you?
Dad29: Find another pastor--preferably one who actually knows that Church history began before 1965. (You might also have to find a new Bishop.) In the meantime, shut up and take it.
BMP: Until a real pastor comes to our church, you're kinda screwed!