Friday, December 22, 2006


Yeah! Give these Barbies a sense of reality!

Three years ago, I got to thinking, all those different Barbie dolls out - Malibu Barbie, Ritz Barbie, Horse Rider Barbie, whatever species of Barbie are out these days - how about something with some reality to it... Trailer Trash Barbie! Forget the Corvette. Forget the Punch Buggy (that be the VW Bug - old or new). This one comes equipped with her own beat up trailer.

Fast forward to December 22, 2006. My wife got this from a friend. Those who know Rhode Island will appreciate these new Barbies. These cover a more "local" flavor to it.

Barrington Barbie:
This spoiled Barbie is sold exclusively at Talbot's. She comes with 45 credit cards, an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a white BMW, a fluffy white lapdog, and a perfect cookie cutter house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken to support her high maintenance habits.

Cumberland Barbie:
This trendy homemaker Barbie is free with any new Kirkbrae Country Club Membership. Barbie comes equipped with a silver Lexus SUV. She get lost outside of her $750,000 neighborhood and has no full time occupation besides gazing at the lawn and pool maintenance guys. Traffic jamming video cell phone sold separately.

East Side Barbie:
This annoying clueless New York City wannabe yuppie Barbie can be purchased on Thayer Street or through City Newspaper. Barbie comes with a souped up yellow Hummer H2, Starbucks Cup, and a library card.
(Note from BMP - This is the same region in Providence that houses the new Planned Parenthood quickie clinic that I ranted on a couple of weeks ago!)

North Providence Barbie:
This brassy, gum-chewing, jet black dyed puffy hair Barbie comes with a"2 sizes to small" leather miniskirt, unpedicured feet, sandals with 5 inch heels, 12 pieces of fake gold jewelry and a Chrysler 300 with a rosary looped around the rear view mirror. Can be purchased at any Italian store.

South Providence Barbie:
Available at Cumberland Farms between 5:00am to Noon the first day of the month ONLY. This recently paroled Barbie comes with 8 children, a slightly used 9mm handgun, house arrest ankle bracelet, Ray Lewis knife, pager number of her caseworker and Cadillac with tinted windows and working methadone lab. Options include specialized gang colors and the 8 fathers of the children.

Burrillville Barbie:
Ain't got no stores in this area to by it.....But, keep trying...This Barbie's Father is also her Uncle and her Uncle is also her Cousin and her Cousin is also her Brother and her Brother has a different father....She comes in Wrangler blue jeans, and a NASCAR T-Shirt. She can chug a six pack of Coors Light and spit tobacco. She drives a pick up truck with Confederate Flag in the cap window.

Lincoln Barbie:
This Barbie is only sold door to door as an athletic fundraiser. Barbie comes with 3 different Sport Booster Club gear. Barbie can easily be turned into Soccer Mom, Football Mom or Hockey Mom. Lincoln Barbie shops daily and knows what everyone else in Lincoln is doing, how they do it, when they did it, where they did it, with whom they did it with and how much everything cost!

Central Falls Barbie:
This Barbie can be picked up on any street corner. Barbie comes with Barbie "Dream House" with no trash cans or closed windows. House comes with constant blaring of Spanish music. This Barbie has 4 kids but doesn't know where any of them are, so you may have to purchase them separately. Also available with this model is Ken, Julio, Leon and Manuel dolls. None of which fathered any of the 4 kids.
(Note from BMP - The city of Central Falls - yes, it is a city, not a town - is a miniscule 1.2 square miles, but its population is well over 18,000.)

East Greenwich Barbie:
This Barbie is only available at Providence Place Mall. This Barbie has a permanent cell phone attached to It's ear and comes with a Ford Expedition or Chevy Suburban. East Greenwich Barbie spends most of her time driving her 3 kids and 2 dogs around. She does not stop at Stop signs and believes that parking spaces are for someone else. East Greenwich Barbie also comes with workaholic Ken to pay for all her shopping.



Unknown said...

It may be too late to catch it, but on EWTN's "Life on the Rock" from last week, Barbie and Ken were promoting abstinence. They did the back-up singing for "Love That Someone Right" a parody of "Summer Nights". Viewers have told me this was the highlight of that episode.

I'm just sayin'...

Brian Michael Page said...

That's it! Chastity Belt Barbie! A perfect gift. Let's get those into the Wal-marts and K-marts all across America and they'll sell like hot cakes.

Actually, seeing Barbie and Ken promoting abstinance is a surprisingly cool thing to hear about. Beats the crap out of most toys and games out these days.


Paul Stokell said...

What? No South County Barbie?? This former North Kingstowner is shocked, I tell you!

Brian Michael Page said...

Dang! No they didn't give me a SoCo Barbie. Too bad - I camp at Burlingame an average of three weekends a year too. But being around all those beaches, I would think a cross between Malibu Barbie and South Providence Barbie. :))