MOST DIFFICULT CITIES TO NAVIGATE

My area made the top ten!

RSCT to Rich at Catholic Light. His city is there too!

Bert Sperling's Top 10 Most Difficult Cities to Navigate
1. Boston, MA
2. Washington, DC
3. San Francisco, CA
4. Baltimore, MD
5. New York, NY-Northeastern NJ
6. Ft. Lauderdale-Hollywood-Pompano Beach, FL
7. Los Angeles, CA
8. Seattle-Everett, WA
9. Providence, Pawtucket RI-MA
10. Norfolk-Newport News-Virginia Beach, VA

Peace,
BMP

SNEAK PREVIEW: THIS WEEK'S CVA TOP TEN LIST

Top Ten Euphamisms for Liturgical Dance



...from the home office in Quahog, Rhode Island, where even Peter Griffin is smarter than the average liturgeist...

CLICK HERE!

The rest of CVA #121 should be up and running late Sunday or sometime on Monday.
Peace,
BMP

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CHURCH FURNISHINGS

With a little help from my daughter Brittany, we came up with these:

#10 - Folding chairs in the nave (Bring your own, or rent one for a buck)












#9 - Altar is the bar room table from the old Pedro's Cafe

#8 - Fountain dispenser for the wine (behind the pictured bar)






#7 - Barstools for the folk group, er, "contemporary ensemble"


























#6 - Garden hose at the baptistry (btw, don't let the scene on your left happen to you)








#5 - Movie theater seats in the choir loft, if your church even has one these days (hey, these look rather comfy, and with cup/bottle holders too)








#4 - Large screen TV to project the song lyrics - a little more high-tech than at certain gymnasium Masses in Minneapolis











#3 - Glass pitchers with KoolAid Man's face on them (oh yeah!)
(Well, well, well, look who's demonstrating!)









#2 - Couches and Love Seats in the sanctuary










AND THE NUMBER ONE LEAST POPULAR CHURCH FURNISHING:

#1 - Remote for large screen TV mentioned in number 4

















Peace,
BMP

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR MASS INSTRUMENTS (besides guitar)

A pictoral version of the one I mentioned on Podcast #22.

10. Banjo










9. Homemade guitar made of a shoebox, rubber bands, and paper towel roll (tissue box and a few flimsy wood pieces like as shown above can count too)




8. Spoons












7. Washboard













6. Candles (There was an episode on Saturday Night Live in its early years where a guy would bellow out the song Smoke Gets in Your Eyes by placing his hand over different lit candles, resulting in an "ah", maybe "ow" in a different pitch)





5. Jaws Harp












4. Kazoo





















3. Coke Bottles










2. Hawaiian Nose Hum (George Carlin makes mention of this in his 1972 Class Clown album)













AND THE NUMBER ONE LEAST POPULAR MASS INSTRUMENT (besides guitar):

1. Schroeder's Toy Piano

Peace,
BMP

TOP TEN REASONS I AM AN AMATEUR CATHOLIC

10. I go looking nearly in vain for a church that has a God-centered liturgy and not a me-centered liturgy, on days that I am not at the console of the organ.
9. I like my kneelers padded.
8. For years, I have shunned help wanted ads for music directors who play organ AND piano, only to find none of the ads mention only organ
7. I sport a beard at Mass with the attitude that Jesus had one too, citing the "live like Christ" passage in Holy Scripture. However, I refuse to grow my hair too long.
6. My favorite processional hymn registrations include manual stops that are brighter than 8' and pedal stops deeper than 16'
5. I don't limit myself to one set of organ registrations.
4. I made the B-team!
3. My blogging partners and I are re-inventers of the word "snark".
2. I have a two-way conversation with a technological leprechaun with no name while podcasting.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON I AM AN AMATEUR CATHOLIC:
1. I write foolish Top Ten Lists like this!

Peace,
BMP

ASSIGNMENT CHRISTUS VINCIT - Results

A few days ago, I posted Assignment Christus Vincit. The assignment: Top Ten Least Popular Organ Stops. Here is the end result that is in the Christus Vincit Podcast (Podcast #18 - The Christus Vincit White List, Part 2). Comic lines added by yours truly.

Top 10 Least Popular Organ Stops:
10. Quintadena (also known as the Quintaton - meaning the stop weigns five tons)
9. Cornet (not to be confused with Coronet, Coronet Toilet Paper, or the Dodge Coronet 440)
8. Voix Humaine (aka the Vox Humana, or Human Voice - which is OK until that human voice sounds like the Fat Lady. After all, it ain't over till the Fat Lady sings)
7. Tremelo (not to be confused with "Tremble" or "Tremor" - do not use the tremelo if you are in California)
6. Conn Trumpet (the trumpet stop exclusive not only to Conn organs, but early Allen and Hammond instruments as well - it's loud, it's raunchy, is it even a trumpet?)
5. Copula (This is the stop that is so loud someone calls the cops)
4. Cromorne (truthfully, this is nothing that a good Oboe or Cornopean can't replace. Besides - the German version of this is Krummhorn - not to be confused with a kinda "krummy" sounding horn)
3. Schanrkdoppelposaune (this is a 32' pedal stop that sends left-wing cafeteria Catholics packing)
2. Banjo (This was on a Lowrey organ installed in the church I grew up with as a teenager, can you believe?)
AND THE NUMBER ONE LEAST POPULAR ORGAN STOP:
1. Anything activated by a drawbar with numbers from 1-8

Special thanks to our contributors:
Christus Vincit's own Jason and Nick, Lyn F. from the RPInet boards, our good friend Chris S., Charles from Land of Hope and Glory, and Matthew from The Dusty Choir Loft.

Peace,
BMP

ASSIGNMENT CHRISTUS VINCIT

Greetings readers!
I'm looking for ideas for the Top 10 LEAST POPULAR Organ Stops. This top 10 list would be included in this Sunday's Christus Vincit Podcast (episode #18, forthcoming). The ten best ideas would be included, and those who posted them would get mention as well (and, if you have a blog, I'll even mention your blog on the show).

Deadline is noon (Eastern Standard Time) on Sunday February 26, 2006. Please use the comments link to submit your ideas.

Thanks much.

NOTE: These CAN be FUNNY!

Peace,
BMP

NEW TOP TEN - Cathedral Style

Top Ten Least Popular Features in Today's Cathedral Churches!

In light of some of the ugliest new cathedrals being built,

and there are blogs a-plenty on some, here they are:

#10 - They're round or oval-shaped buildings, often with this funky looking thing that passes for a tower planted in the middle. (Yeah, I worked for one of them, wasn't a cathedral, but someone I know once called it "Our Lady of the Big Top")
#9 - Stadium style seating
#8 - Full stage behind the altar
#7 - Mural behind altar, supposed to look like angels, but one has arms stretched out to look like a Vegas dance act.
#6 - Cathedra is a barstool (Cathedra, btw, is the "bishop's chair")

#5 - Pipe Organ Case looks like the one at the Disney Concert Hall

(LOL - Hey, at least it's a pipe organ!)

#4 - Your cantor today: the local Frank Sinatra sound-alike!
#3 - Surround Sound
#2 - Projection screens above the altar for everything from song lyrics to bingo numbers
AND THE NUMBER ONE LEAST POPULAR FEATURE IN TODAY'S CATHEDRALS:
CASH REGISTERS!

Peace!
BMP

TOP TEN LIST for 2/11/06

Inspired by this article at catholicnews.org,
here is the TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR PLACES TO WRITE A HYMN:

10. At your not-so-musically-involved day job
9. Sitting on a bench in front of your local Haagen-Dazs
8. Sitting on any bench, while eating Haagen-Dazs
7. The Bathroom
6. In a court of law, on the defendant's chair
5. At a Roman toga party while sharing a bong with friends
4. At the checkout line in a liquor store
3. On a McDonalds bench with the giant Ronald McDonald's right arm around you.
2. In Wendy's while eating chili (sidenote: if you must write your hymn there, make sure all your fingers are intact afterwards)
AND THE NUMBER ONE LEAST POPULAR PLACE TO WRITE A HYMN:
1. The Burger King drive thru!

To be included in forthcoming podcast!

Peace,
BMP