Saturday, May 31, 2008

lex, legis: 3rd, f, law, rule, cafeteria

After my knitting post, let's have some Scriptural humor. A good friend of mine sends me interesting homorous emails from time to time. This one I particularly liked, immense fan of the ironic that I am. The piece is in the form of a letter to a popular call-in radio broadcast which addresses a very wide range of topics from marital relations to, as in this case, religious issues/concerns. We hear a load of talk about "cafeteria Catholicism" these days. But with this little missive, it seems it might be a good thing that the buffet is open...enjoy, but be sure to take a clean plate on your return trip, and if you're taking out, make sure the lid of the go-box is able to close. Otherwise, you'll pay double (or we'll just stone you and sell your daughter legally into slavery).

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.
I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to
share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries
to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind
them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End
of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the
specific Bible laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my
neighbours bitch to the zoning people. They claim the odour is
not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned
in Exodus 21:7. What do you think would be a fair price for her?
She's 18 and starting college. Will the slave buyer be required to
continue to pay for her education by law?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is
in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The
problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take
offence and threaten to call Human Resources.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male
and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Why can't I own Canadians? Is there something wrong
with them due to the weather? Can you clarify?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself, or should this be a neighbourhood
improvement project? What is a good day to start? Should we begin
with small stones? Kind of lead up to it?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. I mean, a shrimp just isn't the
same as a you-know-what. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if
I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle
room here? Would contact lenses fall within some exception?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27. How should they die? The Mafia once took out Albert
Anastasia in a barbershop, but I'm not Catholic; is this
ecumenical thing a sign that it's ok?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them
to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am
confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word
eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.


Richard Chonak said...

Jason, you need to get more up-to-date friends. This thing has been circulating on the 'net for years!

Seriously, I find this piece smug and annoying. It mocks average people who present unsophisticated arguments for defending Christian morality. It's not a display of engaging an issue with good will.

And, man, it goes on and on and on. Somebody has no sense of comic timing.

Jason Pennington said...

Well, I suppose, then, that "lex, legis" clearly demonstrates two mystic truths: 1) I tend to have a smug sense of humor, having found the piece extremely funny (but wait, isn't the word "snark" in the title page of this blog, and isn't that what we're known for?) and 2) I obviously spend far too less time surfing the internet as I ought. I had never seen the piece before until I received it a few days ago.

Thanks for the tip. I'll be sure to add a few more 'net hours to my day next week.


PhiMuAlpha2681 said...

Sounds like something for Miss Betty Bowers (America's Number One Christian!)


Jason Pennington said...

HAHAHA! Yup, that would be one for her indeed. I'd like to hear Shirley Q Liquor do a routine on this one. She'd tear it to shreds. I saw Shirley Q a couple years ago in New Orleans. HYSTERICAL.