JOLLY OLD ST. NICHOLAS

Jolly Old St. Nicholas
used his fisticuffs,
Punching out a heretic
by name of Arius. (need some help finishing this one)

Inspired by a story that Jeff Miller posted on Facebook. Never knew this factoid till today.

I managed to pull this off instead after reading Jeff's link (to which he sings, I saw Santa punching Arius):

Arius got b*tch-slapped by dear Santa
with a knuckle sandwich one fine eve.
Happened at the Council of Nicaea;
Now every Sunday, we pray "I believe".

Jay Anderson also has a cool Christmas ditty relating to this event:

You better not blaspheme. You better not lie.
Or you might wind up With a black eye.
Santa Claus is coming to town.

Finally, Rich of Catholic Light finishes the I Saw Mommy song (also via Facebook):

‎I saw Santa punching Arius,
in Nicaea where the council met last night;
the bishops were aghast, and the bruise is going to last:
he seized him with his left hand and then slapped him with the right;
Now the Emperor's pursuing Nicholas,
and wants to put him in a prison cell;
Probably neither will repent 'til their wrath is fully spent
and the heresy's condemned to hell.

Peace to you, my little snark-o-maniacs on this feast of Jolly Old St. Nicholas.
BMP

FAITH OF OUR RELATIVES (revisited)

In light of that hideous text titled A Living Faith that has been replacing Faith of Our Fathers in every frickin' hymnal that GIA has published since 1997 (to date: RitualSong, Catholic Community Hymnal, Gather Comprehensive Second Edition, and the forthcoming Worship Fourth Edition and God only knows what next), and the thread on my Facebook wall which has gone off to this very topic...

This parody text is one composed by the late Jay Ricketts back in 1998, back when a few of us on the Yahoo! group Contemporary Catholic Music were taking part in a game called "Trash the Hymn". Some of these were quite good. I'm considering putting the whole collection on a .pdf and linking it.

Anyhoo, without further ado, Faith of Our Relatives, by Jay Ricketts (+2008)
Enjoy!
Peace,
BMP

1. Faith of our uncles, aunties too, / each Christmas and Easter they come find a pew
She lost her rosary under the bed / He's got his bible out in the shed
(leveling the legs on his workbench)

Faith of our relatives, lukewarm faith / We might just improve this song to death

2. Faith of our cousins and cousinettes / They haven't seen a Sunday mass yet
Weddings and funerals, a baptism or two / But Sundays they golf, or stay home and get stewed

Faith of our relatives, lightweight faith / We might just improve this song to death

3. Faith of our in-laws, why, only last June / They headed for Sunday mass, at noon
Their first mass in years, but then on a hunch / Drove past the church so they wouldn't miss brunch

Faith of our relatives, marginal faith / We just improved this song to death

I USUALLY DON'T WISH DEATH ON ANYONE...

...but in this case, I must make an exception!



or (from Exodus 15, slightly altered):
I will sing to the Lord, for He is gloriously triumphant! With His help, we have hurled bin Laden into the sea!

GOD BLESS THESE HERE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! We can now be at peace, hopefully. And hopefully now we can get our oil and gas prices back down to where they belong!

Peace,
BMP

BASEBALL, JOY OF FAN'S DESIRING

Presented by the St. Luke's Bottle Band (Lutheran).



Peace,
BMP

YOU'VE GOT 40 DAYS TO CLEAR YOUR HEAD...

...and we have just the product to help!


Johnson's Lenten Shampoo - No more alleluias till Easter!
Peace,
BMP

I'M SPARTACUS, UM, I MEAN, SCOTT BROWN

The Caveman has another gem for ya! Enjoy! Explanations here.
Peace,
BMP

ON THE NEXT iSNARK!

It's a known fact that I'm not a big fan of Shall We Gather at the River - well, at least not as a hymn. But, because it's in the public domain, I figured I'd put the tune Hanson Place to better use - as a jingle for König Ludwig Weissbier (introduced by our good snark buddy Jason) the official beer of Christus Vincit Media. Listen below.

Peace,
BMP

SOME OF MY FAVORITE 4th AND 5th GRADE MEMORIES...

One of my old classmates in grade school got me into Baseball Super Freaks. These were some of the most hifreakinlarious stickers, some even funnier than Wacky Packages, that my childhood allowance could buy.

Thanks to David W. at Quasi-Intersting Paraphernalia Inc. (a blog), one can get a glimpse of THE ultimate collection that I couldn't stop LMAO over!

Here are a few of my favorites. Go see David W. for the rest. BTW, I saved my absolute favorite for last!

Peace,
BMP

THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT

Anyone having a hard time buying/receiving that "perfect Christmas gift"?

Well, Fr. Erik got the ultimate gift, made in an attempt to revive the Chia Pet industry...



Saith Fr. Erik:
I will water him and fertilize him… and put him in the sun....and name him Barry! Then at a time of my own choosing, he will go in a dry, dark closet. And I will repeat the process! Muahahahaha!

Now we need the "Pissed Off Chia Obama", for those days he's foaming at the mouth after learning that someone he just bailed out with our tax dollars just allegedly misspent the money.

Now for something even more frightening... the ChiaPelosi:


Chia Kennedy (Patrick, that is) coming soon.

BTW, Where's OUR bail out?
Peace,
BMP

A NEW WAY TO GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP...

...and change your outlook on liturgy for good!



It's the amazing SNARK-O-PEDIC!

Listen to how this bed can help your inner nutcase. BTW, you'll hear a snippet of Salve Regina being chanted a cappella. See if you can guess which TWO BLOGGERS are chanting!
Peace,
BMP

MASS FOR CLUNKERS

The Creative Minority Report reports the Vatican's introduction of this great new program:



Patrick Archbold at CMR reports:
Thanks to an exciting new Vatican Program you can trade in your tired, old, progressive Priest, Liturgist, or Music Director for a brand new - certified orthodox - model.

The Vatican has begun a a new program officially called "Faith and Tradition Recovery Act" but otherwise known as "Mass for Clunkers." Under this program you can trade in your harmful old "Community Faith Director in the Catholic faith tradition" for a brand new Priest in the Order of Melchizedek! This exciting program also applies to progressive liturgists and music directors.

A brand new orthodox model comes with many benefits! First and foremost, a new model is guaranteed to save more souls! These antiquated and out of date models have wrecked our churches for too long! Save our environment and trade in your old progressive clunker now and as a bonus you will receive a 4500 days indulgence absolutely free!

Peace,
BMP

THE NEW SHOW SPINOFF

Here it is!



Coming soon?

Peace,
BMP

GET YOUR iBIBLE TODAY

RSCT to the Curt Jester, who got this from Patrick Madrid.



BTW, which translation(s) do(es) this gadget use? King James? Today's English? NRSV? RSV (Ignatius?)? NAB (oy vey)? For eight grand, I'd hope there would be options. Wait, it MUST be NAB. The high price is to cover copyright claims.

Peace,
BMP

PONCHO LADIES NEW MOVIE

Poncho Ladies Invade Santa Barbara

Rated R - Coming soon to a sanitarium near you!

Here's the trailer!

Enjoy!
Peace,
BMP

THE TWELVE DAYS OF 2009

This is hilarious. Posted by Simplex Vir at the Catholic Cavemen blog.

On the first day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

Barrack Obama in the White House.

On the second day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

two liberal preistesses. and ......... (You mean Poncho Ladies, don't you?)

On the third day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

three reasons why we should not kneel, ..........

On the fourth day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

four sandled jesuits, .........

On the fifth day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

five misinterpretations of the GIRM,........

On the sixth day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

six contribution envelopes for ACORN, .........

On the seventh day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

seven earth worshiping liturgists, .......... (You mean LiturGEISTS.)

On the eight day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

eight examples of cowardice, ..........

On the ninth day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

nine new cafegymatoriums, ..........

On the tenth day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

ten new feast days for social justice, ..........

On the eleventh day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

eleven new prayers for climate change, ...........

On the twelth day of 2009, my USCCB gave to me;

twelve reasons to shut the bums down.......

Peace,
BMP

CONTEST EXTENSION ON...

I'm still working on CVA #149. I should have it done within the next couple of days. This is what happens when you're on 60-hour work weeks.

Anyhoo, the contest I've been announcing had a deadline of November 1. I will extend it to November 10. For details, please listen to CVA #148 or CVA #147. The winner will be announced on CVA #150.

Peace,
BMP

NEW FROM MATTEL

...er, make that the Catholic Caveman.



Personally, I would have rather seen her run for president (both presidential candidates suck - my opinion - I wrote in Stephen Colbert in the primary and I'll do it again in November if I have to) instead of vice president. This girl GETS IT!

As for the Barbie thing - every Advent (and even a couple of weeks before) when I'm hearing all those tacky hideous pieces that pass for Christmas music, I start imagining what the market would be like with "Trailer Trash Barbie", or "Street Corner Barbie", or "Homewrecker Ken".

Peace,
BMP

A MICROSOFT AD THAT DOESN'T SUCK

Here's a video created by the Curt Jester himself and later played on Fr. Roderick's podcast, The Daily Breakfast. Also, click here for a screenshot of Fr. Roderick playing Jeff's video (Jeff got it by watching Fr. Roderick record via UStream).

Enjoy!
Peace,
BMP

NEW USES FOR AN iPOD

Mary Jane Ballou over at Sacred Miscellany came up with a cool idea for iPods: Load them with hymns and songs (not all of the songs in the hymn section of a Music Issue or Gather Comprehensive are hymns) of all different kinds. Then, those who pitch your typical complaints ("I don't like Latin", "I want Latin", "I'm sad that there are certain songs we're never going to sing again" - that pops up after about a couple of months of my direction, "too traditional", "too contemporary", etc.) can just listen to what they like when it's really time to sing.

Mary Jane explains:
On entering the church, each worshipper will pick up a pre-loaded iPod. (This can be one of the less expensive models since the storage space is minimal.) After a brief prayer of recollection, he or she can sit back in the pew and select the hymn package they prefer – contemporary, traditional, kids' favorites, funeral. Then each time a hymn is appropriate, just press "play." Since they don't sing anyway, their voices won't clash.
Another service that can easily improve worship in the "Church of All About Me."

On the other hand, as Mary Jane rightfully states in bold:
Of course, as an alternative we could educate worshippers in the meaning and purpose of the liturgy.

BTW, I pick the iPod with the Latin hymns and chants, along with good solid traditional-style hymns in English too. What do you mean you ran out? There's hardly anyone in church yet!

One other add-on of my own: what if you don't like Father's preaching? Can you get an iPod loaded with your favorite podcast? Rosary Army? Catholic: Under the Hood? Christus Vincit ANYWHERE? (The middle title would be the best bet, since it's hosted by a priest.)

Peace,
BMP

NEW FROM PAPA BEN

You'll love this new product from Creative Minority Report! And your kids will thank you for it! Get yours today!

Peace,
BMP