Thursday, March 2, 2006


Are you sick and tired of some progressive nagging you to hold his/her hand during the Lord's Prayer? Well, speak no more!
The "Our Father Holding Hand" is a one-size fits all that you can easily slip on your real hand and then slip it off your real hand indiscreetly so the progressive congregant to your left or right has a hand to hold. Meanwhile, your real hands are now reverently folded so that you can reverently pray the Lord's Prayer without getting stuck in that giant 60's style peace chain.

And for the aggressive progressive, the Our Father Holding Hand comes with a built in buzzer, so you can get rid of your transgressor in a humane manner.

The Our Father Holding Hand - available at Goodwill, for it is our good will to pray the Lord's Prayer with great reverence.


PS: some fine print - Those who attend the Tridentine Mass do not need this hand. Such hand-holding craziness didn't exist in 1962.


Argent said...

Wow, it even has nailpolish. I'm impressed. Maybe a big wart or two might cure the aggressive handholder.

Jason Pennington said...

Well, when I'm not at the console (which is almost never), I just wear my "I Have Bird Flu" t-shirt. That usually ensures no one will hold my hand.


PhiMuAlpha2681 said...

Trying to give Curt Jester a run for his money???? :-)

Snark snark!!


Brian Michael Page said...

Nah - I got a long way to go before I can catch Jeff, or the Ox dude, for that matter! snark snark snicker snicker!


Anonymous said...

Brothers and Sisters, buy yourselves several of these before each Mass. In addition to the Sign of Peace, they can be used as follows.

1. [Just before Mass begins] "Please stand, and let's all have a hand for our celebrant, Fr. Handy." Throw one of the hands into the aisle in front of the celebrant as he walks in.

2. [Gathering song] "Put your hand in the hand of the man who stilled the water! Put your hand in the hand of the man who calmed the sea! Take a look at yourself and you can look at others differently! Put your hand in the hand of the man from Galilee! Put your hand in the hand of the man from Galilee!" [The ushers will collect the hands in baskets during the song, and place them at the foot of Fr. Handy's throne.]

3. [After the sending song at the end of Mass] "Put your hands together and let's have a round of applause for our musicians." [Throw the hands at the musicians.]

However, DO NOT use these to receive communion in the hand. If you do, then your hand has caused you to sin, and it will be my Gospel mission to cut your real hands off rather than see you go intact to hell.

RC said...


[audio effect: the sound of three hands clapping!]

Anonymous said...

I love it!!! I've found that wiping your nose or coughing on your hand can also be helpful.

Anonymous said...

I refer everyone to the opening paragraphs of "Why Catholics Can't Sing". The words of the older woman ring true here!


Brian Michael Page said...

Ah yes, Mike - the so-innocent-looking little old lady at the sign of peace who barks out "I don't believe in that sh**!"

Still funny to this day.